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Press Release needed: "THOUSANDS of former members publicly condemn the Church of Scientology"

Discussion in 'Scientology and Anonymous' started by Incredulicide, Oct 28, 2012.

  1. failboat Member

    ^^^ Agree with this fine post re: style. My intention by proofreading the multiple errors in bloch's post was more to point out how much better the original was, as I saw it in post #8, and that the original didn't need any fixin'.

    I should point out I agree with the idea of having two press releases, one longer, and one shorter - different media outlets can then choose which is more appropriate to their style of coverage. That's why I spent the time proofreading all of the errors in it, because it could genuinely be useful, and needed improvement.
    • Like Like x 2
  2. jack Smith Member

  3. dbloch7986 Member

    I just thought the release was too wordy. It's a difference in our styles I guess. I like to relay more information in fewer words. I also hate redundancy.

    I can see how "estimated" didn't make sense, which is an easy fix. I think I retained the word "estimate" and changed what followed, which was my mistake.

    Some of the information seemed unnecessary. Others seemed like "common knowledge claims", such as the "estimates of thousands more". On one hand you could say, "Of course everyone knows there are lots of exes." On the other hand someone could say, "What is your basis for these claims?" Or, "What would you use to support these claims?"

    Maybe you have something against the word "demonstrably" but it is appropriate. [See Below]

    I didn't leave out information; I just used fewer words. In my humble opinion, the more meaning you can fit into fewer words the more effective your communique. Some people feel differently and I respect that.

    I don't think my method is better or worse than yours. It is just my preferred method.

    de·mon·stra·bly/diˈmänstrəblē/


    Adverb:
    Clearly and undeniably: "the situation is demonstrably unfair".
  4. dbloch7986 Member

    I don't like the "Inc." because it seems silly to anyone except well versed Exes who understand the need for Independent Scientology to draw a difference between themselves and the church.

    Again with the "organized Scientology". This is just useless information to the public at large. It's like talking about the Catholic church and calling it "organized Christianity". This sentence also clearly says that the "list counters". Which is exactly what I said but in fewer words.

    I thought this section was too wordy, which is why I tried to shorten it.

    Where does the "estimated that thousands more" come from? Can you really support that claim? Think about it. To someone who is not a "watcher" or an "ex" it would just seem like a purely unsubstantiated and inflammatory statement.

  5. Incredulicide Member

    Agreed, "Inc." wasn't in the original that I copied from the 1000 press release, it was a suggestion in this thread that I put in without considering the silliness, since the term "Church of Scientology" is trademarked and nobody else can use that term.
    There's a difference between "useless information" and telling a lie. To remove "organized" would be saying everyone on the list has a problem with "Scientology" which is a lie, unless we delete 500+ entries from the list. I could use "the Church of Scientology" here also but I have the same hatred of redunduncy as yourself :)
    I have no qualms using "demonstrably", if you can reword it so it refers to two things instead of just that one. "demonstrates that there is a significant problem with" is the primary thing that should be included.
    It was originally about twice this length and a bit scattered throughout, I consolidated the info and shortened it to what it is after seeing your attempt. Thanks for the inspiration :)
    A combination of their dwindling numbers in Census data along with the evidence of photoshopping crowds into their events. Three years of observation from protesters helps, along with reports from long term recent former members regarding marketing to the membership and numbers of E-meters made, etc. If you can put that into it in a concise manner I'll add it.

    Edit: I just checked and time for editing the OP has expired, and so I defer any further editing to Admins which for minor quibbles over wording probably isn't worth it now, unless more people vote positively on subsequent posts than the OP.

    There's a danger of it never becoming an actual press release, and I'd rather it JUST HAPPENS regardless of the wording, so this thread as a whole is a request for whoever can do press releases to PLEASE do it FTW.
  6. Anonymous Member

    "estimates thousands of others who have left the Church of Scientology without speaking publicly, so as to avoid reprisals"
  7. dbloch7986 Member

    Okay, I understand the part about "organized Scientology" now. That makes more sense.

    The wordiness is no big deal. It's just a personal preference.

    I think the OP is fine, I was just trying to illustrate my preferences for the other posters here so they can understand exactly where I was coming from in my edits. Since, as you pointed out, I didn't make my edits clear the first time.

    I'm not trying to be a grammar critic. I was just rewriting it using my own style in hopes that it would contribute in some way to the OP, which it did. I am glad you found it useful.

    I hope this does make it to press release, because I would love to see major media pick it up.
  8. anon walker Moderator

    There is, actually. The Church of Scientology, Inc. is that organization that practices Dead Agenting, Disconnection, Fair Game, etc. Indies, afaik, do not.

    It is the freakin Church of Scientology, Inc. these people are speaking out against, and it is damn certain that Scientology Inc =/= Independent Scientologists.
    • Like Like x 1
    • Disagree Disagree x 1
  9. anon walker Moderator

    FIFY
  10. RightOn Member

    before this turns into weeks of tweaks again (which happened one other time and then the press release took WAY too long to go out)
    can we put this baby to bed now?
    Who can do the press release? DO EEEET
  11. dbloch7986 Member

    By redundant I mean referring to "The Church of Scientology" is already distinguishing it from people who practice Scientology independently of the Church.

    Additionally, "Independent Scientology" does not encompass all the various splinter groups that Scientology has created and unfairly gives "Independent Scientologists" mention while ignoring all the others.
    • Agree Agree x 1
  12. dbloch7986 Member

    Independent Scientologists still engage in some of those practices. They are intrinsic to Scientology as a religion; practically inseparable. The difference is they lack the reach, resources and influence of the "official Chuch".
  13. RightOn Member

    ok so..............
    is there someone who can put out this press release?

    BUMP
    • Agree Agree x 1
  14. Anonymous Member

    • Agree Agree x 1
  15. RightOn Member

    yes!! what happened to the press release?

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