Scientology Jokes thread

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Sonichu, Feb 27, 2014.

  1. Sonichu Moderator

    The biggest Joke of course is Scientology, but I figured here would be a nice dumping ground for jokes about our least favorite cult.

    I'll start off:

    What do Scientology and the Titanic have in Common?

    At near their ends, they were both Straight up and Vertical.
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  2. Anonylemmi Member

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  3. BlooAnon Member

    Tom Cruise.
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  4. Anonylemmi Member

    I see another long and pointless thread. I approve.
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  5. Ogsonofgroo Member

    A version of my own creation posted long ago in a drunken fog long since forgotten~

    David Miscavige had an interview one day with a member of the press. In order to show scientology's magnanimous and charitable ways, he invites the interviewer to take a walk down the street with him.
    The first thing they encounter is a ragged homeless man sitting on the corner of the block.
    DM reaches in his pocket and tosses him a fiver.
    Further down the block is yet another, and DM repeats his generosity again.
    On their way back to the Org. they come across a skinny young fellow in a thread-bare suit, sitting on the sidewalk with a hat in front of him. David walks over and punches him in the face, then scoops all the change in his hat.
    'What the hell was that all about?!?' asks the reporter.
    'Oh,' says Dave, 'don't worry about him, he's a Scientologist.'

    Ba-duh-bing- tshhhhh!

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  6. Anonymous Member

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  7. Oswin Gallos Member

    "Scientology is real, makes sense, logical, and accurate."
    Ba dum tsss.
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  8. I just escaped from the International Base....
    Boy, are my hands bleeding!

    Since I left Scientology, I have gotten a job in a non-Scientology workplace. It's a great place but my boss has a name which puts me off.... it's ''Reg''!
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  9. Anonymous Member

    During a recent visit to a psychiatric ward, a CCHR scientologist asked the Director - “How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

    “Well,” said the Director, “We fill up the bathtub, and then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

    “Oh, I understand,” the scientologist said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

    “No,” said the Director. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”
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  10. Disambiguation Global Moderator

    Ignite the Wildfire in Los Angeles 2014
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  11. rickybobby Member

    So here's the question, you guys finish it...

    How many Scientologists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

  12. None: the lightbulb must find $80,000 dollars to become clear, then it will have the selfdeterminism to change itself.

  13. If the lightbulb doesn't publicly criticise Scientology or David Miscavige; there should be no reason to change the bulb.
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  14. Sonichu Moderator

    Only 1. DM is the only Scientologist capable of doing anything worthwhile. Everyone else just Sucks cocks on Hollywood Blvd.
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  15. Anonymous Member

    A soon-to-be OT scientologist goes to a public lecture on psychic phenomena.

    After presenting information on the succubus and the incubus, the presenter asks the audience if anyone has ever had sex with a ghost.

    The scientologist, sitting in the front row, raises his hand. The presenter notices the raised hand and asks the scientologist, "You, sir... you've had sex with a ghost?"

    "Oh, ghost," replies the scientologist, "I thought you said goat!"
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  16. The Wrong Guy Member

    I posted this earlier in another thread.


    Years ago, Rodney Dangerfield briefly dabbled in the cult.

    He was quoted as saying:

    "Even when I tried Scientology, I didn't get any respect.
    As soon as I walked in, the ashtrays started yelling at me!"
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  17. laughingsock Member

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  18. Twinkle Member

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  19. Anonymous Member

    A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.

    Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

    Tourist: $ 5.00

    Broiled Missionary: $10.00

    Fried Explorer: $15.00

    Baked Scientologist, Grilled Volunteer Minister or Sauteed CCHR representative: $100.00

    The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the scientologists?"

    The waiter replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."
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  20. laughingsock Member

    Still more believable than scientology.
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  21. JohnnyRUClear Member

    More useful, too.
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  22. Anonymous Member

    A wealthy scientologist left his chiropractic clinic early one afternoon and was being driven home in his chauffeured limousine.

    Driving through a city park, the scientologist looked out the window and saw what appeared to be a number of people in the park eating grass.

    Grass eaters.jpg

    The scientologist asked his driver to stop the limousine so that he could better observe what was going on.

    He could readily see that the people in the park were eating grass, by the fist full.

    He left the limousine and walked over to the grass eating people and told them that they could have a better life at his place.

    He invited the people into the limousine and when all were seated, the driver set off for the scientologist’s home.

    While en route, one of the people thanked the scientologist for rescuing all of them.

    The scientologist looked at the person and said, “You’re all gonna love it at my place. The grass there is at least three feet high!”
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  23. As ifness Member

    "Hello, I'd like to join your Church of Scientology."

    "Do you know much about Scientology? Sorry. Silly question."
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  24. Anonymous Member

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  25. Anonymous Member

    Is it possible that the cult will sue syphilis?

    cult joke syphillis.gif

    Cult sues syphillis.jpg
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  26. Anonymous Member

    syphilis 3.jpg

    Hat tip to Black Rob!
    • Like Like x 1

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