The Tony Ortega Sunday Funnies thread

Discussion in 'Media' started by The Wrong Guy, Dec 16, 2012.

  1. The Wrong Guy Member

  2. TMOT Member

    I know that this was a joke, but I wanted to mention that when the toxicology reports came back, Johnny had NOTHING in his bloodstream. Just pure, batshit crazy. Guess he failed to apply the tech correctly.
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  3. He inherited his mental illness from his father.
  4. DeathHamster Member

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  5. The Wrong Guy Member

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  6. jensting Member

    I don't see the problem for David "he is NOT insane!" Miscavige. No-one is saying that he is criminally insane. Weell...
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  7. The Wrong Guy Member

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  8. Anonymous Member

    Kerry Kennedy needs a copy of Jenna's book STAT and also a book list of others. Perhaps that new vid that just came out which shows all the "Entheta book covers" would do the job!
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  9. The Wrong Guy Member

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  10. The Wrong Guy Member

    Today on Facebook, Tony wrote:

    It's time for Sunday Funnies! And we have a huge post for you to enjoy with your morning coffee. Sci-fi writers and their swag, Buffalo gals go 'round the outside, Scottish laddies are in a lather, our old friend Hugh Urban goes off his nut, and much, much, more! And make sure to check the blog again this evening as we prepare to live-blog the Writers of the Future gala!

    Scientology Sunday Funnies: Sci-Fi Swag & the Return of Dede | The Underground Bunker
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  11. The Wrong Guy Member

    Sunday Funnies: The United States of Scientology | The Underground Bunker

    Yesterday, Scientologists entered a new age. We’ve been learning lately that Scientology leader David Miscavige has hit upon a new strategy to wring out the last dollar from church members who have already given until it hurts for his “Ideal Orgs” building program.

    He calls it “alliances,” and it involves getting what few Scientologists remain to band together and, well, give even more.

    Yesterday, these alliances gathered in various places around the world in order to celebrate Miscavige’s notion that a dwindling movement just needs to open up shiny and empty new buildings in order to…well, we’re not sure what he expects will happen.

    But in the meantime, we’re the real beneficiaries. Because the promotional videos that Scientologists have been making in order to whip up a fervor over this desperate new strategy are truly entertaining.

    Continued at
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  12. The Wrong Guy Member

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  13. Anonymous Member

    I can see the point in combining remaining forces, but how smart is it to put together people from different orgs so that they can chat and? I mean, at some points they'll start comparing notes, right?
  14. The Wrong Guy Member

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  15. i admit, i lol'd baby auditing how does it work? 1 year old can be squeezed into a e-meter for Christ's sakes

    are they that desperate for recruitment, i know that the cult steals babies from their cribs but this is getting absolutely ridiculous.
  16. Anonymous Member

    Coming Soon! Auditing The Foetus For New Mothers!
  17. DeathHamster Member

    According to Scientology doctrine, the thetan doesn't pick up the body until shortly before birth.
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  18. timthephoto Member

    there, is that better?
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  19. Fargin Iceholes, corksuckers and bastages of distinguished panel send Moroni to The Miscavige Hospital for the Criminally Insane after deportation to Sweden (he claims he's not from there).......
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  20. The Wrong Guy Member

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  21. The Wrong Guy Member

    Tony Ortega@TonyOrtega94 34s
    #Scientology Sunday Funnies: Portland is now cleared, on to the rest of Earth!

    Sunday Funnies: Portland Cleared, On to the Rest of Earth! | The Underground Bunker

    Yesterday’s events in Portland turned out to be a riot here at the blog as we followed the adventures of Mark “Wise Beard Man” Bunker.

    Bunker was there to witness David Miscavige open up the newest “Ideal Org,” the Scientology leader’s program of acquiring and renovating expensive downtown landmarks even as the church is suffering internal schisms and dwindling membership.

    We have more photos of yesterday’s event, and then our usual Sunday collection of wacky Scientology mailers and fliers sent in to us by our network of tipsters.
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  22. RightOn Member

    I couldn't watch the whole Visat Bay NN vid, it made me too angry.
    The part where they play the "Money song" and showed money floating all around and employees throwing money around just made me sick.
    What an insult to the victims and the victim's families.
    And the songs they used? Van Halen? the O'Jays? wtf? Copyright much?
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  23. The Wrong Guy Member

    Sunday Funnies: Scientology Has Your Back! | The Underground Bunker

    On Sundays, we love to turn over things to our worldwide network of tipsters, who send us the latest wacky mailers and fliers from the Church of Scientology.

    This week, we have a fun variety of things, with an emphasis on getting your kids involved in some summertime fun that comes with a side helping of indoctrination!

    Also, we raise a question about our friends across the pond. So let’s dive in.

    First, you’ll be glad to hear that today, there’s a Memorial Day weekend blowout happening at the Celebrity Centre in Hollywood. We don’t know what sorts of engrams you might pick up while flying around in a bounce house, but we imagine this party is going to produce some great memories.

    Continued at
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  24. The Wrong Guy Member

    Today, Tony posted this on Facebook:

    We have another helping of Scientology Sunday Funnies today, and we'd like to get your thoughts on the most important item: last night, church leader David Miscavige made a pitch to the entire membership about his Ideal Org program -- ten years after it began! Is it a desperation move, or something else?

    Scientology Sunday Funnies: What Did David Miscavige Tell the Troops Last Night?
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  25. RightOn Member

    does this have it's own thread instead of being buried here?
    This was pretty damn interesting read.
    I was tired and I only skimmed, but am I WAY off with the following summary?
    DM was outraged by the Portland Org PR flap, and wanted to glaze things over by holding a meeting where he talks more casually then usual to people and brings up his version of why the execs left in 1985?
    And doesn't he slip up and mention that there were 15,000 people at the 1985 org opening and there were 2,500 at the recent Portland opening? How can any COS member with the most basic of math skills not realize that is NOT expansion?
    So, he is going to either speak at some thing in June OR show a vid of himself in June with him personally asking people to fund the Ideal Org scam?
    Did I get this right?
  26. Anonymous Member

    Would love to see a leak of this video.
  27. The Wrong Guy Member

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  28. The Wrong Guy Member

    Scientology Sunday Funnies: When David Miscavige Made RTC Look Like The Matrix

    We have another Underground Bunker exclusive this morning, and it’s fun!

    We’ve learned that in 2005, Scientology leader David Miscavige asked his personal tailor, Claudio Lugli, to dress up everyone at the Religious Technology Center like they were from the 1999 film The Matrix.
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  29. That little shit really knows how to waste money. Im surprised they have anything left.
  30. The Wrong Guy Member

    Sunday Funnies: Scientology Gets Colorful! « The Underground Bunker

    We’ve learned that, if you’re in Orange County, California next weekend, there’s a way to get some exercise, pelt yourself with fun colors, and raise money for Scientology causes all at the same time!

    We want to thank the tipster who sent us information about the 5K race that’s been organized by a powerful OT VIII Scientologist by the name of Myles Binford.

    Before we tell you more about him, check out the nifty video that was made for his upcoming 5K, which he calls The Charity Bomb!

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  31. The Wrong Guy Member

    Sunday Funnies VIDEO: Watch Scientologists Who are Fully Stoked! « The Underground Bunker

    If you’re like us, there’s truly nothing more inspiring than watching Scientologists talk about how much they love Scientology.

    And we’ve never been quite so inspired than we were after watching a new video of rapid-fire testimonials by dozens of Scientologists who have been fully stoked by the Golden Age of Knowledge.

    If you’re not really up on Scientology lingo, don’t despair. Because after watching this seven-minute video, things really won’t be any clearer.

    But surely, you’ll get a contact high from these enthusiastic folks talking about their big wins on Ron’s wisdom.
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  32. Django Member

    Is it me, or is TO's site down this afternoon?
  33. Anonymous Member

    It's you. I got it.
  34. The Wrong Guy Member

    Someone Apparently Forgot to Notify the VA that Scientology is a Religion « The Underground Bunker

    Our thanks to a sharp-eyed reader who brought to our attention an interesting page at the website of the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs.

    The page contains an eclectic rundown of all the religious symbols the VA recognizes and will put on grave markers in our national cemeteries. If you’ve ever been in one of our national cemeteries, you may remember that some headstones carry symbols, some don’t, and you’ll see a lot of Christian crosses and Stars of David, and a few other types.

    We didn’t realize that there’s an official list of such symbols. And it’s interesting to see that the VA is rather catholic about it (lower-case “c”), with everything from Eckankar to Wicca to atheism (see photo, right) to the Hammer of Thor available for our fallen heroes of minority faiths (or no faith at all).

    Interestingly, there’s one symbol that is noticeably missing.

    Sure, look for yourself: There’s no Scientology double-cross on the list.

    Say what? How could the “fastest growing religion” in the world, with ten million members, dwarfing Eckankar (with tens of thousands), not have its symbol on this list?

    Surely, it’s just a government snafu, right?

    Or, it might be yet another piece of evidence that Scientology is nowhere as big as it says it is.

    Continued at
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  35. Anonymous Member

  36. Anonymous Member

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  37. The Wrong Guy Member

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  38. The Wrong Guy Member

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  39. The Wrong Guy Member

    Sunday Funnies: Scientology Puts the Fun in Fundraising! | The Underground Bunker

    This time, rather than quoting an excerpt from Tony's article, here's the comment that was voted as the most popular:

    John P.

    Valley Org (yet again): It is not surprising that your poor tipster received 19 e-mails from the Valley Org in a single day. This reflects the best of Hubbard's "management tech" in action. They're obsessed about statistically driven management, which is not such a bad thing, but the way they do it is straight out of the instruction manual for the clown car. These days, since so few people are left, instead of measuring them on a statistic that further's the organization's goals, but which is basically unattainable like "number of people that actually attend the event," they measure themselves on an easily attained but useless stat like "number of e-mails sent." Otherwise, they'd all be in the RPF for being "downstat." So much for both managing for results and for the "confront and shatter" to shake people out of their ennui and get them revved up to come.

    What is it with Valley people and oddly named moppets in their ads? Like last year's "Bugsy Brownstone," we now have "Britni" (who appears to have a wadded up Doritos bag on her head) who is shaming others into giving because, at age 4, she managed to cough up enough dough to move up to the next frequent flier award level. It's pretty interesting that the whole appeal here is not "clear the planet" or "make a difference" but "move up in status today" (i.e., to the next higher tackiness level in your trophy).

    Pasadena Org: Yes, "grass-roots LRH tech" does sound like some new brand of lawn fertilizer (i.e., cow manure) with a super-secret ingredient. The vague nature of the subject has got to have the Pasadena area public a-quiver with eagerness to find out just what new Social Betterment application is going on in their neighborhood. Given the cult's willingness to trot out decades-old material, one can only wonder if the last time the cult did any real social betterment programs in the vicinity was right after the War when he attended the famous meeting at CalTech (located in Pasadena) in 1945 and thwarted Richard Nixon's evil plot to use nuclear weapons to overthrow the US government. (See Tony's awesome Village Voice article here: ).

    Keys to OT Seminar: This sounds like a really interesting event. You learn to operate as an OT before you actually get there. And the seminar is apparently free. So if I understand this correctly, for a small donation, you get to learn how to impress your friends with the thousand-yard stare that means you've gotten the innermost secrets of the cult but without having to spend the hundreds of thousands of dollars, and without the need to spend years of your life making up biographies ("exact time, place, form an event") of each of the thousands of dead space cooties that cling to your skin so that you can exorcise them properly. The cult is not known for giving away bargains like that, so I wonder what the real deal is.

    Oh, so the seminar is all about discovering whether you are PTS. Isn't PTS one step away from being suppressive? In other words, if you are PTS, doesn't that inevitably mean that there is some suppressive person skulking around making you miserable? And when suppressive persons are lurking in the background, although it denies that it does this, doesn't the cult have some sort of policy about disconnecting from them, a policy that has been much in the news lately? So is this seminar just a cheap introductory practice run for the day when the cult decides you'll have to disconnect from all your loved ones? Gee, what a delightcful way to spend a Tuesday evening.

    Silicon Valley Ideal Org pitch: That "high tech" photo shoot is at the Hiller Aviation Museum in San Carlos, where they have the cockpit and an engine shroud from a 747. It's a small museum at a general aviation airport that has a very nice collection for its size, focused on helicopters. Amusingly, and perhaps unintentionally ironically, the museum web page mentions that the 747 on display made its last flight into an aircraft wrecking graveyard in Roswell, New Mexico. That's entirely appropriate, then, that members of a flying saucer space cootie exorcism cult are worshiping a 747 whose last act was flying into the central hub of UFO and flying saucer activity in America.

    Valley Org's "Your Ideal Life" Seminar: Yes, the cult appears to have started to slap the word "Ideal" on everything, although it is interesting that they don't appear to have trademarked it in any usage that I have seen, which is odd for a cult that has always been so obsessed with protecting their "intellectual property." My favorite part of this solicitation is the list of qualifications of featured speaker Gavin Potter, the professional 10% commission collecting "reg" from the FleaWinds. One should flock to see him because he was personally trained by Les Dane, the sleazy 1970s era car salesman who wrote "Big League Sales," the only non-LRH written document revered as "scripture" by the cult. Yep, I'm going to flock to see a guy who was personally trained in annoying, maniuplative and intimidating ways to relieve me of my money.

    Of course, it goes without saying that "admission is free." But in true P. T. Barnum fashion, the exit is more expensive. "This way to the egress!" and all that.

    Cass Warner Celebrity Center event: A quick look at IMDB shows that [Cass Warner] has done only a few very small titles in her career, including two documentaries on her illustrious Warner Brothers ancestors. They're reaching even lower in the stack than the usual D-list celebrities (Jim Meskimen, Eddie Deezen) that they used to use for these events, and now going for the P-List.

    More interesting is this gem: a 2005 documentary called "Answering the Call: Ground Zero's Volunteers." That sounds awfully suspiciously like a paean to the Volunteer Ministers who kept getting thrown out of lower Manhattan during the 9/11 recovery operation because they kept sneaking in and trying to set up tents for "touch assists" on rescue workers. You know, the operation that they were so proud of that they had cult member Stephan Hittman, who was a civilian paper-pusher employee of the NYFD, start calling himself an "honorary commissioner" and award the cult the "Medal of Valor" for their work. Too bad that the real NYFD Medal of Valor is only awarded posthumously to firefighters who lose their lives in the line of duty.
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